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Wednesday 12 June 2013

Editing – Aim for Short, Concrete Sentences

I have taught a course in Business Writing for over six years. While very different than creative writing, some elements are the same.

Long sentences are hard to follow. Try reading James Joyce with anything less than complete attention.  There's definitely a place for long sentences but, for the most part, it's not in genre fiction.
As a general rule, keep your sentences under 20 words. Any longer and you’re likely to make grammar mistakes or lose the meaning of the sentence.




Also, try to keep one thought per sentence. If you need to convey two ideas put them into two separate sentences. Let’s compare an early draft of my opening scene with the last draft

Second Draft

      Wisdom fell fifty feet and landed face-first on concrete.  The impact splattered blood from open wounds in all directions leaving an after-image of his body on the ground.   His skull bounced off the sidewalk twice before coming to rest.  He kept his eyes closed and forced himself to breathe past the jagged pain in his chest.  At least three ribs were broken. Probably more.  If it wasn’t over, if his father wasn’t really dead, Wisdom would soon be.   Still, it was not pain or fear that made him open his eyes. It was a little girl’s scream.
      He had to blink several times before he could focus.  Misty shapes solidified and he realized something: he was no longer in the underground fortress of the Council.  Cold mist fell on his face, the air rumbled with the rush of water and Wisdom was forced to admit where he was. 

Sixth Draft

Wisdom fell fifty feet landing face-first on concrete.  His skull bounced off the sidewalk twice. Then he was still.  He kept his eyes closed. Each breath was painful.  At least three ribs were broken.  Probably more. Still, it was over: the Djinn was dead.
Nearby, a little girl screamed.
He blinked repeatedly, forcing his eyes to focus.  Misty shapes solidified and he realized he was no longer in the underground fortress of the Council.  Cold mist fell on his face, the air rumbled with the sound of rushing water. He realized where he was.  

Changes:

1.       Point of View (POV)

Beta readers had a problem with Point of View. They wanted to keep the reader mind inside Wisdom's mind. This is call first person subjective. I wrote the first draft in 3rd person omniscient. That means you can't tell who the narrator is. You can also see inside the mind of every character as needed.

For some reason this point of view is currently out of fashion, especially in YA.  That genre prefers 1st person subjective because a single person narrates the story as they see it happening.

Here's how the above scene would play in in first person subjective:

I fell fifty feet and landed faced-first on concrete. My head bounced off the sidewalk twice. Then I was still.  I kept my eyes closed. Each breath was painful.  At least three of my ribs were broken.  Probably more.  Still, it was over: the Djinn was dead.

There is nothing wrong with either POV. The choice is yours as long as you do it consistently.

2.       Beware the “has” tense.

Currently the “has” tense is out of fashion (just don’t tell George R.R. Martin about it). The theory is it puts too much distance between the reader and the action. Technically you should only use this tense to describe a continuous action in the past that was interrupted by another action. For example: 

Harry had spent every morning alone after breakfast until he met Ron.

Now that the “had” out and see if it changes the meaning.

Harry spent every morning alone until he met Ron.

The meaning doesn’t really change so you should take the “had” out.

3      Keep it active and avoid the passive

Saying “he had to blink several times to focus” makes Wisdom seem a victim. It is something beyond his control. Changing it to “He blinked” puts the action back on him. He is consciously doing something.

Similarly “Wisdom was forced to realize where he was” is passive. Again, events beyond his control give him no choice but to admit something. Changing it to “He realized where he was” makes him more active.

If you’re writing an action scene, use active tone. If you’re writing a scene about someone being victimized or suffering from a natural disaster passive tense might be more appropriate.

4.       Watch run-on sentences

Look at this line from the first version:

Cold mist fell on his face, the air rumbled with the rush of water and Wisdom was forced to admit where he was. 

This is actually three separate thoughts. 

  1. Cold air fell on his face.
  2. The air rumbled with the rush of water. 
  3. Wisdom was forced to admit where he was.  

You could put it as three separate sentences; however, I decided to break up the monotony of several small sentences by using a semi-colon.

So when do you use a semi-colon? Use it when you want to join together two complete sentences that are related and/or support each other. If you’re not 100% sure that a semi-colon works, don’t use it. A period works just as well. It’s simply a matter of style.

A quick note on the relationship between sentence length and tension. Short sentences tend to create more tension, long sentences reduce tension.  Therefore, most action sequences should have generally short sentences.  Descriptions of peaceful valleys or scenic ocean vistas work better with longer sentences.

5.       Can You Spot the Comma Splice?

A comma splice is a grammatical error in which you use a comma where you should use a period or a semi-colon.  Both “Cold mist fell on his face” and “the air rumbled with the sound of rushing water” are full, complete sentences. Therefore, a comma is inappropriate.

Conclusion

This may look like I've spent too much time thinking about a few simple paragraphs. However, this is how much writers SHOULD think about their finished work. Too many self-published indie authors are putting out sloppy, unfinished work. Not only are they destroying their own reputation, they are damaging the industry as a whole.

Take the time to edit properly. And, for the love of literature, get the opinion of an experienced editor.

Monday 10 June 2013

Editing Process - Beginnings

http://greatfirstlines.tumblr.com/post/23355599029/it-was-a-bright-cold-day-in-april-and-the-clocks

Years ago, I had the privilege of being accepted to the creative writing program at the University of Windsor.  One thing these classes taught me: your beginning is crucial.  

Just like a movie, the beginning of your short story or novel needs to immediately engage the audience. It also needs to set the tone for the entire piece.

Here’s How the First Draft of Council of Peacocks Began.


He sat on the grass-covered rocks looking out at the ocean.  He was covered in wetness from the spray and the gentle rain that had been falling all morning.  He didn’t really care about being wet. He was just glad to be outside; away from the dungeon he called a home.  One room in the basement of a house. He felt so far away from everything he’d ever know. Lost, in a way, but secure in another.  As he watched the waves crash against the beach he realized he had to make a decision.  Something had to change.   He took off his shirt and headed towards the beach.  When he was only a few feet from the water, he took off his pants and the rest of his clothes. Naked he walked the rest of the way to the water. He didn’t really consider someone watching him. It was far to cold for that.  Nova Scotia was a cold place this time of year.  He knew the water would be close to freezing too, but he didn’t care. He had to do something different, something daring.

Why This Didn't Work

This scene is written from the point of view of David. In the first draft he was the central character. Nothing in this paragraph screams urban fantasy. If anything, its makes me think of a “coming of age” story.  It’s a common trope. He's the outsider admitted into a supernatural world. Through his eyes we experience all the strangeness that makes up day-to-day life for the other characters.  You’ll see this in:
  • Alice in Alice in Wonderland
  • Rogue in the first X-Men movie
  • Harry in the first Harry Potter novels.

In the first draft, we start with David’s beach-side scene. Then he takes a bus to Toronto and meets Wisdom and the Anomalies. There is no action or hint of supernatural elements for 30 pages. Sometimes slow beginnings can work. However, most of the time they result in lost readers. 

Why I Needed to Write This.

The first draft helped me understand who David was. It established his voice and his back story. In subsequent drafts, I removed all elements of this because it does nothing to advance the plot.

What Replaced It

Here’s the beginning of the novel now:


Wisdom fell fifty feet, landing face-first on concrete.  His skull bounced off the sidewalk twice. Then he was still.  He kept his eyes closed. Each breath was painful.  At least three ribs were broken.  Probably more. Still, it was over: the Djinn was dead.
Nearby, a little girl screamed.
He blinked repeatedly, forcing his eyes to focus.  Misty shapes solidified and he realized he was no longer in the underground fortress of the Council.  Cold mist fell on his face, the air rumbled with the sound of rushing water. He realized where he was. 

Why It Works


It starts with action. It is also “in media res”: a fancy Latin phrase used in literary circles meaning it starts in the middle.  We jump into the story without preamble. That’s another fancy word meaning “introductory or explanatory statements”. I’m not starting with 10 pages of world building. I’m not discussing Wisdom’s childhood. I’m trying to give you the same sense you get in the “opening gambit” of a James Bond movie.

My next post will discuss the various drafts of this opening scene and how I tried to improve it.


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